Monday, June 06, 2005

Jungle Quest!

One day there was a monkey. That monkey had a banana. But not just any banana, this was a special magic golden banana. It had the power to control the weather. The monkey had found this banana lying around in some old abandoned Aztec temple. Of course, by "found" I mean "stole" and by "lying around" I mean "carefully tagged and secured in an archaeologist's backpack". Also, the monkey was named Jules.

When the archaeologist discovered that the magical golden banana was missing, he became wroth. He searched around for the culprit, and quickly discovered that it was Jules who had stolen his banana. The archaeologist -- who was of course named Bill -- pursued Jules and attempted to kill him with a twelve-gauge shotgun. No, I don't know why he just happened to have a twelve-gauge shotgun. Maybe he was afraid of elephant attacks or something. Mind you, there are no elephants in Central America. But the archaeologist didn't know that. He was an archaeologist, not a botanist.

Anyway, Bill shot Jules and retrieved his golden banana. Bill was haunted for the rest of his life by nightmares of Jules' ghost. However, Bill didn't care since he now had the power to control the weather. He became rich and powerful and eventually he became King of Paraguay in an unrelated adventure. He had seven wives and a hundred and twenty-three children and eventually died at the ripe old age of ninety-three. He was mourned by everyone in his kingdom.

Meanwhile, Jules didn't actually die from getting shot, as it was just a flesh wound. Jules went on to be the sidekick of a small English boy named Eugene who had a series of heartwarming adventures involving smugglers and counterfitters and the occasional pirate. However, since that fateful day in that temple, Jules has always walked with a limp. Also, he has never been able to do a cartwheel since then.

Jules currently lives in Wisconsin with his wife, Chee-chee, and three children. He now writes Hollywood movie scripts for a living, along with a thousand other monkeys in a room with a thousand typewriters. Jules' random typewriter attacks were responsible for the movies "Funky Monky" and "the Aviator". His enjoys stamp collecting, birdwatching, and a good pipe of Old Toby. He also has a gambling problem and is no longer legally allowed to enter Las Vegas. He is also barred from a small town in Idaho for unspecified reasons.


Benjamin said...

That's one of the most best short stories ever!
I liked it when the special magic golden banana was intorduced, always a tell tail sign of a great story! It was awful when Jules died, stated so bluntly, I almost stopped reading! It's the worst when main characters die. . .
I'm glad Jules survived the murderous shotgun blast. Maybe even more so than Eugene, I don't know.

Sputnik said...

What a heart warming tale of craziness.

Sir. Herm of Crossfield said...

I was becoming interested in Jules, then Oh, hm. . . I guess he's dead. This turn of events however made me like Bill a lot more. Proa-blub-blie cause that mean't he was a good shot. Then with the news of Jules survival, I was sadly dissipointed in Bill. Although I was happy to hear Jules could no longer do proper cartweals.

Simply Smashing story Big Bro.

Brett said...

"When the archaeologist discovered that the magical golden banana was missing, he became wroth."

I'm sorry to hear that. Now everyone will tell him to shut up every 5 seconds.
Ba dum ching!

SEZ said...

Wow! I'm a little behind. I just read your latest! What a tall tale!! A good one too!

A minor detail: Did you actually mean "biologist" or "zoologist"? Maybe you really DID mean "botonist"! Just wondered...:)


Krig the Viking said...

Hm. I guess I was thinking biologist, but it works this way, too. It just means the archaeologist knows even less about the subject than he thinks he does. ;)

"Wroth", hehehe. I get it.

SEZ said...

"wroth" I don't get it yet... Maybe it'll come to me in the middle of the night -- when I'm asleep of course.


Krig the Viking said...

It's an "in" joke I'm afraid -- a pun on the name "Ross". I'm not sure if you know him -- he's rather excitable at times, and people often have to tell him to tone it down a notch.

Although, mind you, he's matured quite a bit since then. Haven't seen him in a month or two, though, maybe he's reverted. ;)

Tyler said...

I can't help but think somehow the hay brothers are all involved in the story, hmmm...

Good story man!